RAWR

I imagine this is how he thinks of me, how audacious i am.

She is peculiar,


We get close and drift away

closer then ever.

But farther now I will go

August is soon

but maybe too late for love,

And she hopes its not so.

and is love too strong a word?

She hopes I wont run from being loved back,

I'm the same way you know.



Let us share our secrets

the things that eat at us

maybe we can grow now

move on from this sad town

but sad is all im good at

sad is all i really have

sad is so reliable

Fall and you can come back

the ground is undeniable.

The ground is undeniable,

and it leaves traces on our clothes

dust me off

but I think its the ground, that knows

what words left our mouths

sad is all i really have

come and be my sad girl

my fingers dance around this flame, just as you dance around me

You know not what to do with me, and that is why I am done with you. No, actually that is not true. Because I would be bothered if you knew what to do with me. I don't even know what to do with me. We are done because I warned that you couldnt handle me and you exclaimed, "yes! i surely can!" and i said okay... and when you could not you became angry with  me, upset, because you could not tame me, could not control me. My outbursts of emotion. My spontaneous urges of travel and how I eat dessert for lunch every day. You could not handle that I am the biggest and proudest lightweight there is, you could not even handle when I vented my problems at you. As if all I am to you is a heaping pile of problems. Hah. I hate you. What I hated most is when you didn't believe me when I told you things,and when I was upset you claimed to believe me but stated I had to be exaggerating because everything that comes out of my mouth is off the wall. Like how he hit me, like how I taught a high school class and won awards like how i was on Oprah. Like fuck you. Like HOW I fucked you. UGH you disgust me. goodbye. Goodbye because I dont want to be handled. I dont want to test somebody into trying to handle me. I say it because its true. And what do I expect in return? Love, love is all I ever wanted from you. Goodbye.

I want so much to fit in

I want to be like everyone else. I want to let loose. But I can't. Why does it have to be normal to go to a party dressed in bra and shorts, get drunk, and hook up with a few boys? I can't be like that. Im not saying there is anything wrong with it. To each his own. But I cant be like that. So it sucks when thats the norm around here. When people cant got to the movies instead of getting wasted. When people cant go to the beach without sneaking vodka. When its wednesday night and you're bored so you have wine instead. Look, its not like I havnet done any of these things. But its disgustiing when you think about it. Whats wrong with us? Are we that bored?

Rory Propst I miss youI

I have had quite too much whiskey tonight but not too much to relive this heart-gutting night. I run into him at a liquor store. He says we should hang. Okay, the night is young I say. We all go to a party together. He keeps flirting. I tell him I wont hook up with him. We pinky promise we wont. He wastes hours flirting with me. My friends feel comftorable to leave the party and leave me with him. Did I mention Im rather drunk? hah. The second they leave he tries to kiss me. I remind him of our verbal agreement. He says kissing doesnt count. I establish that it does. He is frustrated, then tells this girl from my sorority she looks really hot. He begins to ignore me. I say fuck him in my head. I walk out, he doesnt stop me. Why should he? I dont give him anything he wants.. I walk alone to the dorms, rather drunk. I still am. Thank you natural ability to write decently even while under the influence. And all i think about all night is Rory. And how he would never do that to me. At least I'd hope not. Is something wrong with me? The fact that I cant hook up with random guys at parties? I cant help it, i just have no trust, no trust anymore. Not after Anthony.

boy oh

boy oh, boy oh
the look on my face when you told me,
the beat of my heart racing through my breast,
the tears you choked back,
the screams i swallowed,
when you put the gun to your head.
how could you
be so low?
you set it down
and i told you
its okay
sometimes, i want that too.
I want to hug you
boy oh boy oh
friend
confidante
advice giver
defender
inspiration
little brother.

Dont be mad, sailor man
tomorrow you drift along a new sea
I just couldnt believe
you would ever want someone like me.
I confuse you,
but you amuse me
youre amazing
why waste your heart on me.
I cant talk to you
so i turn to your puppy
I cant look you in the eye
so I offer to help out your mommy'
its not that i believe you just want a fuck
i cant believe you want anything more from me.
How can I make you feel these things
when im so plain compared to you
I just wonder why?
Im a plain, boring kind of girl
how do i make your thoughts whirl
when you make my stomach swirl
im a plain, boring kind of girl.
I didn't mean to judge you
or assume the worst
but it just cant be true
that you share my thirst